Lo! Citizens of fair Waste Basket,
I greet thee with deepest felicitations and express my gratitude
for your swift acceptance, elevating me from stranger to neighbor
Gather, and I shall impart my stunning tale to your ears
In the beginning, there was darkness and narrow tin walls
A city without buildings, where the rattling never ceased
We lived by camaraderie, perpetual whispering to one another,
A permanent team-building exercise unfolding
as we slept stacked, fantasizing about the world beyond our borders
But mere hours ago, my new friends, I traversed the long night!
The sky itself opened and I found myself hurtling towards a mouth!
I see your gasps of shock, but this scenario was not unknown to me
Legend tells of a being that, particularly after garlic and spicy foodstuffs,
frees my kind from captivity and sends us into the next life
I dissolved, dear listeners, but I did not weep, and nor should you,
for I understood everything. As I broke away, I knew the names of all the stars,
I knew why the caged bird sings, I knew Yorick
But then a most unusual event transpired, for the mouth erupted with a
chortling, and I was knocked backwards, landing on a cotton-polyester blend!
And that was when I heard a voice quietly mutter something about a shirt
But I had no time to ponder this cryptic detail
for I immediately plummeted hundreds of feet to my certain death!
Ladies! Do not fret; I am, as you presently witness, unharmed!
And though t’was a journey of great peril, I was, it must be said,
I lay bewildered, yet still considerably attractive
for an age at the claw of Chair, near what the elders call a “leg”
As the strange sounds diminished in frequency–
I heard the words “therapy” and “goals” repeated oft
Obviously a manner of code!–
I was scooped up by some tentacled flesh apparatus
And the voice spoke again, but this time, to mine own face!
“Were you on the floor THE WHOLE TIME, mint?”, it roared
And I believe, good people, that it likely thought it spoke soft!
But I hath ears that are small, and all noises outside our city are deafening
even with gallantry as formidable as mine
I answered the call, as a hero must
But was unceremoniously dumped into your town square!
It was not a method of transport that one with my standing regularly employs
And I cared for it not
This dashing, very dangerous adventure led me here to Waste Basket,
a circumstance most fortunate for yours truly
We must celebrate post-haste!
Let us have food, drink, and celebration a-plenty
I have regaled you with my account; now I wish to hear your stories
About a year ago, my friend Wendy told a harrowing story about the time she was eating a mint at work, lost it, rediscovered it, and subjected it to interrogation. I said that one day, I would compose a poem in honor of the occasion.
So I did.