For Marvel Emails Part V, Hawkeye has assembled an elite strike team to stop his nemesis, Crossfire. Unfortunately for him, his teammates seem determined to make the Quinjet ride over a VERY long trip. The physical letter was mailed to @GroovyFrood earlier this month!
The general tone of this letter was suggested by @snarke.
Close-up A (upper front page):
Close-up B (mid front page):
Close-up C (bottom of front page):
Close-up D (top of back page):
Close-up E (mid back page):
Close-up F (bottom of back page):
To: email@example.com, firstname.lastname@example.org
Date: May 5, 2019 09:22:37 EST
Subject: If this is a virtual team meeting, I’m helping myself to some doughtnuts
Attention, crew: this is your captain typing. I’ve officially brought this planning sesh to order.
And I’ve gotta be honest—I feel a bit ridiculous using email for this. There’s only three of us onboard, and you’re both sitting about five feet away. Maybe it’s me, but considering we defeated the most dangerous threat in the multiverse and reversed the flow of time last week, actually talking to each other like adults doesn’t seem like an unreasonable goal to me. This is a small Quinjet.
First item on the agenda, which I’m not mentioning for any particular reason: a reminder that the calendar above Keurig D-4 offers some wisdom that I’ve personally found uplifting and inspirational. There’s a different quote every day! So if you didn’t happen to pour yourself a cup today, let me drop this truth nugget on you: Teamwork makes the dream work!
You guys are Avengers now, and as one of that team’s founding members, I can tell you that part of the responsibility is appreciating the power of excellent marketing. Look what happened when Cap whispered “Avengers Assemble.” Remember how cinematic that charge was? I’ve been thinking about it since my quinoa salad this morning, and I’m positive that “teamwork makes the dream work” is practically begging to be our little side project’s battle cry. We’re heroes—evil fears each of us individually. Can you imagine what evil would do if the first thing it hears when our plane lands is a shouted chorus of unity? Maybe we could even harmonize.
I can mark you both down for a Yes on the catchphrase thing, right? I’m willing to take the bass part if anyone truly objects, but I’d prefer to sing tenor if that’s a possibility.
Second item: I’d advise against a direct assault. Crossfire and I…well, there’s some history. Since he’s your cousin, Scott, I figure you can pretend to, I don’t know, invite him to a family barbeque or something, and while he’s distracted, Rocket and I can attack from behind. He’ll never see it coming?
Get it? I mean, he literally won’t notice us because his attention will be on you—but also, he won’t expect it. That’s what the pros call “highbrow humor.”
Date: May 5, 2019 09:27:11 EST
Subject: STOP KICKING MY SEAT
I swear to God or whatever’s in charge of this wacky planet, Puppy…if you don’t cease an’ flarkin’ desist, I’m gonna convince Drax to watch you while you sleep for a month.
To: email@example.com, firstname.lastname@example.org
Date: May 5, 2019 09:43:54 EST
Subject: Re: If this is a virtual team meeting, I’m helping myself to some doughtnuts
My condolences—the inspirational calendar above Keurig D-4 can’t share its insight any longer. The trash panda ripped it off the wall about an hour ago and chucked it overboard. I think at least some of the pages hit Nebraska.
I like your mission proposal, and I’m positive it would work if we changed…well, most of the details. Not that I’d turn down a barbeque: for my birthday one year, Cassie and Maggie got me an apron that says “Here For A Good Thyme,” and I could’ve worn it any old week while cooking my famous hot dogs, but a new apron really demands an entrance, you know? And The Snap happened before we could organize our annual block party…
The problem is that Darren and I hate each other. A lot. He stole Hank’s company, became a supervillain, and showed up at my house trying to kill me and my family. Also, he threw a train at me.
I’m hungry. Anyone mind if we stop for breakfast tacos on the way?
To: email@example.com, firstname.lastname@example.org
Date: May 5, 2019 10:03:11 EST
Subject: OK, but what if we DIDN’T do that?
Dear Manscaped Robin Hood,
Technically, this plane has two captains, pal, and one of us can pilot an M-class. The Quinjet’s shiny enough, but if you want class AND sass, there’s nothing on this planet that matches my Benatar, baby. And like I said, I would’ve flown us there in a fraction of the time, but Quill insisted on hosting a Sixteen Candles sleepover in the Mess Hall AGAIN, and none of us know anyone else with a functional VCR. Also, if you wanna sing like some kinda lamebrain, you go for it. But you didn’t beg me to tag along ‘cause you were casting a musical, buddy. I’m three feet of pure badassery carrying two more feet of Hadron Enforcer, so can we skip the pep talk and cut straight to the part where we steal Crossfire’s fake eye? I guess we could shoot him too, as a special treat. But I’m mostly here for the eye.
JUST LET ME PET YOU. Come on, man. Five minutes!
Unofficially, you help me steal that eye, and I’ll give you three minutes. AND IT NEVER HAPPENED.
Want to see everything I’ve created in the same place? Because you can do that!